Parlor Game: ROCK STAR

Remember summer reruns? Those long, post-Ghost In The Graveyard Friday nights spent eating handfuls of Jiffy-Pop on the family-room floor in your footies, in front of a "Benson" you'd already seen at least once? They reflected and amplified the summer languor. They provided the familiarity and repetition we secretly missed from school. But most importantly, they provided a second chance to learn the lines we'd spend the early 1990s quoting in bars, through neon-tinted clouds of Camel Light smoke. (Particularly if we were Ethan Hawke and Steve Zahn in "Reality Bites," and face it: for at least 5 minutes, you were.)

Yeah, well, I don't know what my kids will talk about in the rugged, post-apocalyptic bars of the future. In the 21st century, it's all about the summer rehash. Take whatever show entered the vernacular in the last year, alter one detail, instant new product. 2005's template? "The Apprentice." Every new unscripted show can be traced back to it, in .25 degrees: Agent Apprentice. Fancy Apprentice. Black Apprentice.

(I call it the Kaoma Effect. Remember Kaoma? The flamenco band whose 1989 song "Lambada" triggered a dance craze that was at once tedious and forbidden? My freshman year roommate at Holy Cross had the CD, and the track listing went something like this: Lambada. Disco Lambada. Lambareggae. Lambada On Your Head. Lambada de Amor. Mother May I Lambada With Danger? Etc.)

Since nobody seems to be sweating conceptual originality, the producers of these shows have all the time in the world to focus on the kiss-off line. Donald Trump hit a merchandising homer with "You're Fired," which is interesting given that people had been saying it pretty regularly for generations. So now every knock-off comes complete with its own slogan- germane to the show's setting, snippy enough to get the rejection across, pithy enough to fit on a mug should the market demand it. For example, Tommy Hilfiger spurns designers on Fashion Apprentice "The Cut" by telling them, "You're out of style." Faye Dunaway dashed the hopes of wannabe starlets on Acting Apprentice "The Starlet" with "Don't call us, we'll call you." Get it?

Which brings us to the parlor game of Summer '05: predicting the contestant-cutting line before the show premieres.

A couple of weeks ago, just before "I Want To Be A Hilton"-mania swept dozens, my friend Scott and I tried to call it. Scott's pick: "You are excused." Mine was more abstract: Kathy Hilton dismisses everyone from the room except the eliminated hopeful, then takes an Ambien and slowly dozes off. The actual line ended up being "You're not on the list," which is actually pretty fucking great. And I got the part about Kathy dismissing everyone else correct, which really got my hopes up.

Why is this important right now? Because on Monday July 11, CBS premieres ROCK STAR, which can be subtitled INXS Apprentice: 15 rock-stars-in-waiting vie to replace Michael Hutchence as lead singer of INXS. (You could also subtitle this show State Fair Apprentice.)

So I put it to you, readers: what's your prediction for ROCK STAR's climactic rejection line? Will it incorporate an INXS song title? Will it refer to the rock & roll lifestyle, or to Michael himself? Will it be on a T-shirt at Spencer Gifts in August?

Post your answers in the COMMENTS section. Winner gets Jiffy-Pop. Offer void in California.

By the way, you've got your work cut out for you. I explained this game to Ben, and his answer, given with only a moment's thought, illustrates why I think he'll be around for a long time.

Ben's pick: "You choked."

Comments

[Deirdre]

"You're in excess...."

Or maybe "Dream on white boy," or black girl, or whatever is appropriate.

[Michael]

Perhaps they will reintroduce the applause-o-meter test, which will range from:

0 = "Dream on black boy / Dream on white girl / Then wake up to a brand new day"
5 = "There's something about you that makes me sweat!"
10 = "It's the one thing / You are my thing"

Note that a zero rating is quite flexible, just like those catchy, switchy lyrics. But, really, all you really need is a five rating. Who doesn't want to make someone sweat?

[Gretchen]

"What you need...is to get the hell out of here. We'll give you what you need, give you what you need."

[theGayGays]

BEAT IT!!!!!

[VP]

"We've got creative differences."

(or, if they opt to go for a more band-specific line each season, "G'day mate, but for you, it's actually a Ba'day... [Kangaroo boxes the loser]")

[Mike]

"The sun comes like a god into our room." It's an avant-garde, Pere-Ubu-eqsque way of giving a dude the boot.

[Jen]

"The nature of your tragedy is chained around your neck. Do you lead? Or are you lead? Are you sure that you don't care?"

Why why WHY is this show on the air? *shakes head*